Seems like everyone is an introvert now. But maybe that's not so healthy...

Suddenly it’s cool to be an introvert. Susan Cain’s 2013 TED talk about the power of introversion has racked up more than 14 million views, her book on the same theme is a New York Times bestseller, and now memes and even T-shirts about detesting other people are popping up everywhere. Who knew that declaring an aversion to human company could be such a popular statement? 

I’ve talked a lot on this blog about being an introvert, and why I jealously guard my private time. I’ve explained how small talk leaves me tongue-tied and how parties feel confronting for me (that post here). I’ve theorised that my introversion is linked to my deep sensitivity – which, of course, is part and parcel of being a healer and intuitive. But a few weeks ago I read a New York Times article asserting that some people are now using introversion – which seems to have become a badge of honour – as an excuse to be anti-social. That’s not a social condition, it’s laziness. 

I’ve realised I tend to do this too. 

I have a theory that, for some, claiming to be an introvert – is simply the desire for a bit of time out. We’re being slammed with a barrage of information 24/7 , and have less time to ourselves than ever before, so saying we don’t like socialising might be one way of trying to validate our intrinsic need for more quiet time. That has nothing to do with shyness and everything to do with feeling like we have to justify relaxation time (as if it were an indulgence). So it’s not a case of: ‘I don’t want to go to that engagement party because being around other people is draining and provoking for me’, it’s more: ‘I don’t want to go because I’ve had no time to myself this week and Saturday night is my only chance to get it’. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But for me, I’ve realised I need to be careful to make sure that preferring my own company doesn’t become the norm. Because in limiting my interactions with people, I limit my ability to grow, learn and give.

Actively avoiding gatherings where there will be a large crowd, or where I will be expected to network, has become a habit for me. I know such events will make me uncomfortable, so I try to dodge them. Of course it’s smart to protect my physical energy and to be discerning about how I spent what little downtime I have. But here’s the problem, summarised so brilliantly in the NY Times article: if we are constantly retreating into our shells, we aren’t connecting with each other. That’s a problem because, as Hugh Mackay asserts in his book Beyond Belief – How We Find Meaning, With Or Without Religion, human beings are hardwired for connection. We crave human contact and a sense of belonging, which help bring meaning to our existence. It’s also a problem because, from a spiritual perspective, we are here to help each other (which also brings meaning to our existence, BTW). In refusing to sit in company with other people, we are swatting away the gentle beckoning finger of the Universe inviting us to offer support to another. We also cut ourselves off from support from others (because even when everything in your life is going swimmingly, you still need to feel supported). Being a hermit holds a certain appeal, but the alone zone is a space to rest, not to reside.

When the New York Times journo asked Susan Cain (of the aforementioned TED talk and book) if, by choosing to read a book in the car while their kids are at a school function, self-indulgent introverts were actually just being rude – she laughingly agreed, saying sometimes “you have to consider the other person’s point of view instead of getting wrapped up in your own discomfort”.

Standing around in a bar talking about the weather (or in New Zealand, where I grew up, rugby – which, bafflingly, seems to hold endless fascination for almost everyone) isn’t exactly beneficial to anyone in a larger sense. But those awkward small conversations can be the gateway to slightly larger interactions where people do have an opportunity to express themselves. You may not necessarily be able to offer practical assistance to someone complaining about the sleep deprivation their seven-month-old son is inadvertently causing, but in listening to their struggle you are offering emotional support. I believe that the greatest desire of every person is to be seen, heard and understood. We facilitate this by bearing witness to each other’s experiences and struggles, without judgement or unsought advice. This is the simplest way we can show up for each other. As the saying goes, the greatest problem with our communications is that we listen to reply instead of listening to understand. 

Even the act of simply smiling at someone is immensely powerful on an energetic level. Mother Teresa said: “Every time you smile at someone it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.” All the love-heart eye-emojis in the world sent from your living room won’t make someone feel as good as a RL smile does. (OK, I’ve just re-read that it sounds reeeeally cheesy... but you know what I mean, right?) The point is, we shine our brightest when we are around other people. Not when we are on the couch alone, sucking up our tea through a Tim-Tam straw (soz!). I want to continue to allow myself me time but I’m going to be tougher on myself when my urge to evade social occasions comes up. 

Much like Netflix, introversion in large doses is not necessarily good for me. Or anyone else, for that matter. 

The message my body has been sending me (that I've been ignoring)

I'm not very good at being sick (who is?). I rail at the unfairness of not being able to follow through with my plans, trying desperately to convince my body it's fine, silently seething at the sick people who probably infected me (damn you, coughing man on the bus!). Since I'm self-employed I lose money for every day I don't work, so I can't help but panic about the hit to my income... which only magnifies the unrest within my body instead of promoting rest (so helpful). It's a shitty situation, and yet, a very necessary one.

Recently I was struck down by a sinus infection that morphed into a chest infection. I was confined to bed for almost three days, too weak and feverish to move. And I was miserable. 

When situations like this happen - which is very rare for me as my immune system is really robust - it's difficult to remind myself that being sick is NORMAL. There is nothing wrong with me. My body has not shut down because it's broken, it has shut down because it wants to be stronger... and for that to happen, it needs to rest and rejuvenate. That quote 'almost everything works best if you turn it off and turn it on again' is pretty on point when it comes to colds and flus. 

But because we live in a 'go go go' culture, resting is frowned upon. We try to 'soldier on' instead of giving our bodies what they actually need - rest, and acceptance of our present circumstances. Our to-do list seems so much more important than our health (even though, without our health, we can't do anything). Then we wonder why we feel wiped out and then get sick again later.

Why is it so hard for us to listen to our bodies?

We also have a tendency to talk ourselves into being sick... not ideal. If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone in the office declare: 'I think I'm getting sick' or 'there's something going around - everyone's getting sick' I'd be a very rich woman. When we talk or think about illness as an inevitability - even in jest - the body responds by winding down our defences. The body, after all, is programmed to respond to messages from the brain. I am not saying our thoughts *make* us sick, obviously, but we do have the power to significantly increase the likelihood that we'll fall prey to bacteria and viruses with the messages we send our bodies. I regularly say to myself 'I have great health' and 'my immune system is strong'. This doesn't mean I never get sick (clearly) but it does mean my defences are higher. Which means that when I do come down with something, my body is really in need of rest.

The truth is, my body had been telling me for weeks that it needed a break. (I have a holiday booked in very soon... but, unfortunately, not soon enough.) When I refused to listen to its pleas for relaxation, it forced me to listen. Will I never learn?

I have a lot of work to do in this area. I say yes to things that I know I don't have time for. I limit my sleep so I can fit more work in. I know I'm not the only one who does this. We are all writing cheques that our bodies can't cash. I'm reminded of the Dalai Lama's response when he was asked what surprises him most about humanity: 'Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.'

It's very clear to me that I need to break that cycle. 

Stop the hustle. Sometimes the best thing you can do to succeed is nothing

If you send a text message to the top five people in your contacts list asking them how they are doing, I guarantee at least four will reply using the word ‘busy’. It’s highly unlikely that anyone will reply complaining of boredom. I’m a member of The Busy Club myself. But I’ve decided I want to rescind my membership.

My body has not been happy with me recently. Mostly we have a good relationship but occasionally we veer into irritable sibling territory. The source of contention: divergent interests. My mind wants me to leap ahead with #allthegoals now now now but my body is demanding rest. It does so through what I’ve come to recognise as its fuse-breakers: skin breakouts, a cold sore (gross) and waning energy levels. These are red flags for me to stop and rest; if I ignore them, my life comes to a grinding halt and may refuse to restart for quite some time. You would think, then, that it would be a good idea for me to give my body what it needs.

Except.

I’m just not very good at doing nothing. I will sometimes allow myself an afternoon nap at weekends, but I’ve got so much on my plate right now, that doing something “unproductive” such as colouring- in or watching a DVD feels like time wasted (nope, I’m not a Capricorn – I’m actually a Scorpio). Relaxation, I tell my body, is something best done when I’ve done all the other stuff I need to get done. Which is about as likely to happen as Taylor Swift’s next album containing zero references to Calvin Harris. When you’re juggling multiple freelance projects, a blog, social media channels, not to mention a gym program, friendships and a relationship, there is never nothing to be done. Few people, I suspect, would regard that as a problem... and THAT is the problem.

We’ve started to glorify busyness as if it were the default setting instead of just a semi-regular, short-term event. If you’re not crazy-busy and stressed out, there’s something wrong with you. Wait, what?

We’re all about the ‘hustle’ and the ‘slay’. It feels like every second social media post is affirming that the only way to succeed is to kickarse tirelessly, striving ahead with everythingeverything alldayeveryday. I saw a post this morning that declared “now is the new later”. Instead of motivating me, it only made me feel really, really tired.

That’s the thing. All this running around doing everything at once and being everything at once – while looking at our phones – is exhausting. Plus, it’s counter-productive. We can’t excel at anything if we’re trying to do everything. Even the ocean is still sometimes.

We seem to have forgotten that we’re human BEINGS not human DOINGS. It’s not hustling that helps us learn and grow – that is what happens in self-reflection. 

I’d like to propose a radical alternative to all this busyness: hopping out of the driver’s seat regularly, and checking into a rest stop.

Taking time out to relax has the practical benefit of not only allowing the body to recharge, in preparation for your next adventures, but also allows you to take your emotional temperature. Just like a pilot checking in with air traffic control to make sure they’re still on track for their destination, self-reflection helps you think about where you’re heading, as well as the challenges you’re wrestling with and your overall life-satisfaction levels. 

It also creates space for the Universe to step in and help you. Arianna Huffington wrote: “Life is a dance between making it happen, and letting it happen.” Dreams and goals are not meant to be a constant struggle. Mostly, they’re a partnership with the Universe – 50 per cent listening and 50 per cent action. If you’re hustling hustling hustling but making no progress, maybe you’re holding on too tightly to how you think things should be; the Universe may have a better idea for you, if you stop and give it room to make that happen.

I stumbled upon a great quote recently (because let’s not forget that social media can be really helpful!) that has reinforced my suspicion that I need to make a point of stopping regularly instead of constantly surging forward. It’s about bringing back a greater sense of balance, for the sake of my body and my soul. The quote was: “Grace will take you places hustlin’ can’t.”

I love this. Grace is what happens when you stop to find stillness amid the haste – and instead of feeling guilty, you feel fulfilled. Grace is when you listen to your body and give it what it needs – not kombucha or trendy foods, but simple, good-quality nutrition, exercise and sleep. Grace is being present in this moment instead of focusing on what’s coming up. Grace is about stepping out of struggle and surrendering to the Universe, instead of trying to control everything. Grace is checking out of The Busy Club.

Grace is what I’m doing right now. Curled up on the couch on a Sunday afternoon in my pyjamas with a blanket, watching Pride and Prejudice. Aaaaaand writing this post while simultaneously replying to Instagram comments, admittedly. Hey, I’m a slow learner.

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Confessions of a crap meditator

When my mother was a child, she enrolled in ballet lessons, full of enthusiasm… then quit after a month because they wouldn’t teach her how to dance Swan Lake. I’ve always loved this anecdote, not only because it brilliantly illustrates that self-righteous indignation particular to pre-teen girls, but also because I can understand her objection to pursuing an activity she didn’t immediately excel at.

Generally speaking, I go out of my way to avoid things I’m not good at – budgeting, walking in heels, samurai-sword fighting (admittedly this last one is not an everyday problem). But meditation has been the one thing I continue to do even though I fail at it again and again and again.

In a world which focuses on results, success and achievement, committing every day to doing something I have yet to improve at feels a little, well, pointless. But that’s exactly the point. 

My daily meditations go from 10 to 20 minutes. Approximately 45 seconds in, my attention starts to wander. I’ll be breathing slowly and deeply, feeling my body start to relax, then my mind will panic about not being in control. Then it stages a takeover bid. Is that rain outside? I need to renew my domain name soon. Did I ever reply to Mum’s text? What kind of weird-arse bird makes that sound? 

Here are some strategies I’ve employed at various points in a bid to stay focused on my practice: repeating mantras, letting go of my thoughts as soon as they appear (trying to let them simply pass), concentrating on each part of my body and letting it relax, using guided meditations. These are sometimes effective, sometimes not. I can proudly declare that I have been meditating almost every day for about three years and am just as crap today as the day I started. 

I’m telling you this because whenever I deliver a message from the angels about the need to meditate, nine times out of 10 I will get this response: ‘I’m no good at meditating’. I’m sure there are lots of holier-than-thou spiritual types who will tell you how good they are at meditating, but I’m a very realistic spiritual type. So here’s the truth: I’m no good at meditating. And this is not a reason not to continue with my practice. It’s actually an excellent reason TO do it. 

The philosophy of meditation is that there is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ meditation practice – it’s the process itself that matters. You’re discouraged from putting a judgment on the quality of the practice. It’s normal for thoughts to appear in your brain – in fact, it’s almost impossible to clear your mind of all thoughts – the trick is not to engage with those thoughts. If you can resist that, you’ll go deep and experience the level of calm that will melt your stress and change the shape of your day. Zen monk Shunryu Suzuki explains it as follows: “In [meditation] leave your front door and back door open. Let thoughts come and go. Just don’t serve them tea.”

The theory’s good, the practice, less so.

I have had some sublime moments while meditating. A few times I have felt myself lifting right out of my body. I had a sense of floating above in a divine light. It lasted mere seconds but I have never forgotten that feeling. 

I’ve also had very clear messages from my intuition while meditating that have proved immensely helpful in my life, which is a major reason I persevere with it, even though I am often frustrated by my tendency to lose focus and my frequent struggle to let go completely.

The inescapable truth is that even when I feel like I haven’t had a particularly beneficial meditation, I still feel better than I would have if I hadn’t meditated at all. I feel calmer, more centred and fractionally more powerful. Even wine can’t do that (although, sometimes it momentarily fools me into believing it can). 

If you’re struggling with meditation, feeling like you’re doing it wrong or that you’re just not spiritual enough, I feel you. But you’re going to have to come up with a better reason not to commit to this hugely powerful, transformative activity. In a loud, crazy-busy and confusing world, we all need periods of stillness like we never have before. Even when you lose, you’re actually winning. So keep trying, keep failing. You will be better for it. 

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Are we having fun yet? If not, why not?

There is always so much to do. My OMG SO EFFING URGENT list keeps getting longer. I can barely stop to celebrate what I tick off, because there is always so much more to do. I feel like I’m treading water, exhausting myself without gaining any mileage. I am flailing in my day job, pushing hard for my fledgling side business. Little losses, tiny triumphs. Time with friends, phone calls to family fall to the bottom of my priority list. I feel like I am failing everyone, including myself. I am always tired, and there’s always so much more to do.

I have a feeling many of you are nodding in recognition as you read this.

Since starting my business and this blog more than a year ago, I feel like I’m on a treadmill. I wrote recently about how hard it was to stop and relax during my summer break – and I’m facing a similar struggle. 

At the start of 2016 I had a friend do an angel reading for me, and one of the messages that came through was my need to have more fun and be more social. I rolled my eyes. Who has time for fun, for God’s sake?! There’s always so much to do. But because the angels are always right, I took the advice on board and implemented a fun project – a once-a-month commitment to do one fun activity I’ve never done before or go to a new place. I tried this last year then abandoned it after a few months because it didn’t seem like a priority. Yes, I know how lame that sounds. I mean, I was SCHEDULING fun – then failing to meet that commitment. I know that fun and play do not happen spontaneously for me. If I do not create time for fun, my weekends and evenings will continue to be swallowed up by work and life admin. Because, as mentioned, there is always so much to do.

Last Tuesday was Australia Day – a public holiday. I planned to spend the day generating story ideas and blog posts, maybe sorting out my tax records to get on top of my present state of chaos. (Whoa, how exciting am I?! No wonder men are lining up to date me!) But I woke up and I knew I had to get out of the house, and out of my routine. I knew I needed fresh air and a change of scene to get my creative juices flowing. So, I gave myself the day off. 

It felt weird.

I went on a 10km walk along a beautiful stretch of coastline, weaving in and out of national parks and dipping into golden beaches. I remembered how lucky I am to live in The Lucky Country. I climbed cliffs and took in scenery that took my breath away. I reflected on how much is right in my life, and how far I’ve come. I did not, and would not, let myself feel guilty about all the tasks that were still on my stupid list. Then I went to a friend’s pool party and caught up with some of my favourite people. I went to sleep feeling rejuvenated and passionate about who I am, where I am and what I am doing. The angels were right, as per.

So, I have a very important question for you: are you having enough fun? 

Fun is not a luxury. It is not a treat or something you have to earn. It is as important to your life as exercise, good food, fresh air and good people. As the saying goes: nobody gets to the end of their life and wishes they’d spent more time in the boardroom. I know your deadlines and projects seem uber important right now, but you won’t remember them in 10 years’ time. You will remember the laughter, the sunshine and the feels. These are the ingredients of your life. Are you using them to create something that’s a worthy tribute to your own awesomnity? If not, why not? 

I’m saying this to you, but of course, I’m really saying it to myself.