Are we having fun yet? If not, why not?

There is always so much to do. My OMG SO EFFING URGENT list keeps getting longer. I can barely stop to celebrate what I tick off, because there is always so much more to do. I feel like I’m treading water, exhausting myself without gaining any mileage. I am flailing in my day job, pushing hard for my fledgling side business. Little losses, tiny triumphs. Time with friends, phone calls to family fall to the bottom of my priority list. I feel like I am failing everyone, including myself. I am always tired, and there’s always so much more to do.

I have a feeling many of you are nodding in recognition as you read this.

Since starting my business and this blog more than a year ago, I feel like I’m on a treadmill. I wrote recently about how hard it was to stop and relax during my summer break – and I’m facing a similar struggle. 

At the start of 2016 I had a friend do an angel reading for me, and one of the messages that came through was my need to have more fun and be more social. I rolled my eyes. Who has time for fun, for God’s sake?! There’s always so much to do. But because the angels are always right, I took the advice on board and implemented a fun project – a once-a-month commitment to do one fun activity I’ve never done before or go to a new place. I tried this last year then abandoned it after a few months because it didn’t seem like a priority. Yes, I know how lame that sounds. I mean, I was SCHEDULING fun – then failing to meet that commitment. I know that fun and play do not happen spontaneously for me. If I do not create time for fun, my weekends and evenings will continue to be swallowed up by work and life admin. Because, as mentioned, there is always so much to do.

Last Tuesday was Australia Day – a public holiday. I planned to spend the day generating story ideas and blog posts, maybe sorting out my tax records to get on top of my present state of chaos. (Whoa, how exciting am I?! No wonder men are lining up to date me!) But I woke up and I knew I had to get out of the house, and out of my routine. I knew I needed fresh air and a change of scene to get my creative juices flowing. So, I gave myself the day off. 

It felt weird.

I went on a 10km walk along a beautiful stretch of coastline, weaving in and out of national parks and dipping into golden beaches. I remembered how lucky I am to live in The Lucky Country. I climbed cliffs and took in scenery that took my breath away. I reflected on how much is right in my life, and how far I’ve come. I did not, and would not, let myself feel guilty about all the tasks that were still on my stupid list. Then I went to a friend’s pool party and caught up with some of my favourite people. I went to sleep feeling rejuvenated and passionate about who I am, where I am and what I am doing. The angels were right, as per.

So, I have a very important question for you: are you having enough fun? 

Fun is not a luxury. It is not a treat or something you have to earn. It is as important to your life as exercise, good food, fresh air and good people. As the saying goes: nobody gets to the end of their life and wishes they’d spent more time in the boardroom. I know your deadlines and projects seem uber important right now, but you won’t remember them in 10 years’ time. You will remember the laughter, the sunshine and the feels. These are the ingredients of your life. Are you using them to create something that’s a worthy tribute to your own awesomnity? If not, why not? 

I’m saying this to you, but of course, I’m really saying it to myself. 

Stuck in grumpy mode? There's probably something going on underneath

For the past few days I’ve been really shitty, and despite my best efforts to shake it, I keep reverting to a state best described as the angry love child of Grumpy Smurf and Oscar the Grouch. I’ve found myself replaying old arguments in my head and scripting shouty comebacks. I sent off a series of terse emails. And yesterday on the train, the sound of someone constantly rustling a plastic bag annoyed me so much I had to get up and change seats. (I was also tempted to shout at her for using plastic bags, which is surely the greater crime, no?)

All this irritation had no obvious cause, but it went on for days and I suspected something else was going on internally.
My body was giving me signals that it was experiencing irritation at a deep level. My jaw became tight and painful (this is one part of the body where we hold on to anger), my digestion went out of whack (something which is usually, but not always, associated with emotional stress) and I developed hay fever (which is all about irritation)*.

Anger and irritation are perfectly valid emotions, and me experiencing them is not a problem in and of itself. The issue for me was that they weren’t prompted by a specific event or experience, and they were lingering like out-of-town relatives after Boxing Day. I knew that this was something that needed to be investigated.

When I thought about what is really frustrating me at the moment, I instantly felt that sensation in my gut that I get when I know I’ve identified something significant. There’s the fact I have to move out of my house, which is going to be an exhausting process that will cost me money I don’t have right now (and am worried that I won’t find, despite the angels’ reassurances to the contrary). There’s also the fact that my business is taking a long time to get off the ground. The experience of sitting in an empty room with an empty diary and waiting for the phone to ring is somewhat soul-destroying. 

It wasn’t hard to see the common thread: fear. Namely, fear of failure and fear of not having enough (money, resources, time). So many metaphysical books say that everything comes back to fear. In fact, anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion because it is usually masking another emotion. And often, that emotion is anchored in fear. 

Recognising my fears and calling them out for playing saboteur on my physical health hasn’t made me any less annoyed, but at least I’m aware of what’s really going on – and that’s helping me to put my focus back on what will help me move forward: patience. Accepting that my life is unfolding exactly as it should, and being patient with that process, makes me feel more calm. I hope that that will translate to patience across the board, making me less inclined to react to surface-level irritations. That’s the theory, anyway. 

I can’t, however, make any guarantees regarding the safety of plastic bag rustlers. 

* For the record, this doesn’t mean that if you sneeze you’re afraid of something – it probably just means you should stay away from pollen (lol). Also, sometimes a bad mood is just a bad mood. What I’ve documented here was just my experience of a lot of physical symptoms and emotional triggers adding up to the same thing.