In praise of writing, and an insight into adrenal fatigue

Hello, my name is Trudie. You might remember me from such places as... this very blog, which I
have somewhat abandoned of late. Please read on as I attempt to redeem myself with this shiny new blog post.
When I started www.onegroundedangel.com three years ago, I made a commitment to post three times a week. I was at war with myself, struggling with my sense of self and feeling isolated by what I perceived as the oppressive blanket of being an outsider (I was just starting to wake up to my spiritual calling). The angels advised me to ‘write my way out of it’.
And it helped. As the words flowed before me on the screen, a sort of alchemy occurred: I began to make sense of my emotions and could see the path ahead with a smidgen more clarity. My black spots diminished. Suddenly I had a sense of purpose; my life had meaning. Responses from others who 'got it' buoyed me; I began to feel less alone - still freakish (well, the best people are!), but more accepting of that.

Then, without my intending it, my blog morphed into a business site as my angel card business started to gain traction. With the demands of social media and a YouTube channel, launched one year ago, my commitment to the blog waned.

These days I am barely managing one non-social-media-driven post a month. Those I do post are more functional than personal, and while that’s probably OK for the majority of people who click through to my site looking for information on my spiritual services, it’s kind of not OK for me. Because without a written portal for my thoughts, I’ve noticed I’m more likely to ruminate and get stuck in unhelpful thought patterns. Writing truly is cathartic. Science confirms it – research from Pennsylvania State University in the US found that keeping a ‘thought journal’ every day improved emotional balance.

So on that note, here’s an update on what’s been going on in my world of late.

This year I’ve been really struggling with low energy. Not just the ‘wow it’s been a big week’ sort of fatigue, but the ‘urge to sleep all weekend but still wouldn’t feel refreshed’ type. It’s not like any sort of fatigue I have ever known – and that’s coming from someone who has had insomnia much of her adult life. I did not notice that what I was enveloped in was not a normal sort of exhaustion. After a mild cold cleared quickly but left me feeling even more flat, I decided enough was enough and I sought out a naturopath.

What came up in tests was not low immunity, as I’d suspected, but abnormally low levels of the stress-hormone cortisol. The result: adrenal fatigue. Which was laughable since in my work as a health writer I’ve covered that very topic more than once in the past, interviewing the likes of holistic nutritionist Dr Libby Weaver, but failed to notice the symptoms in myself.

Adrenal fatigue is what happens when you operate at breakneck speed for too long. Essentially,

your body, interpreting the pressure you’re under as a dangerous situation, goes into fight or flight mode, releasing adrenaline to help you survive. This is designed to be a short-term response, to get you away from the perceived danger, but in today’s high-pressure environment, this has become a long-term state. Because our stress never dissipates, so the adrenaline keeps getting pumped out. Too much adrenaline in the body raises blood pressure and causes inflammation, so the body releases cortisol to bring these down. Because the body is unable to sustain prolonged high-cortisol release, the adrenal glands crash. You will feel, as I have for most of this year, like you are dragging your body around, day after day, and never able to regain your energy. Other effects others have reported include: constantly getting illnesses, sudden unexplained weight gain you can’t shift, low sex drive and constant irritability.

As well as dosing me up on myriad herbs and potions, my naturopath has instructed me to make some much-needed lifestyle changes. I’m banned from looking at my phone or tablet after 9pm (the blue light from these screens raises cortisol output). I must wake up between 6am and 7pm (sleeping in is a bad idea), and must be in bed by 9.30pm. I can only exercise in the mornings, at low or moderate intensity. I must reduce my sugar intake (something I have been using as a crutch to get me through the afternoons, as I don’t drink caffeine). When I’m working from home, I’m encouraged to take a short afternoon nap.

Not surprisingly to those who know me well, it’s the evening phone restriction that’s been the hardest change to implement, but it’s forced me to address my phone dependency. I spend too much time on social media, and that’s been partly contributing to my inability to switch off at the end of the evening. And so I’m trying to relax my tendency to keep checking into the online world on a regular basis; I am now questioning my compulsion to respond to every single message. These are the things that prevent me feeling fully present in my off-line (actual) life, and contribute to my difficulty relaxing in weekends and holidays.

It’s been a few weeks since I started implementing these changes – some days I do better than others – and I’m already starting to feel better. It’s a long road ahead to fully heal my energy – there is no quick fix for adrenal fatigue – and I need to be patient with the process. However if I don’t spend the time now restoring my health, I’ll crash again in the future, and then I can’t do what my soul came here to do. My body is, after all, a home for my soul. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

If you are too busy to read this, you definitely need to read this

It’s hard to believe that three years ago I was complaining that I was bored. My life felt empty and lacked purpose. I was lonely and felt trapped in a life that I had outgrown (but felt too scared to re-imagine). I struggled to get to sleep at night, and didn’t understand why.

But now, having moved countries, found a new social circle, discovered my life purpose, started my spiritual business and a new relationship, I am so bereft of ‘spare time’ that I am considering sending out a search party for it.

Given where I once was, this is a pretty great problem to have.

That’s something I’ve been trying to remind myself when I feel panicky about the dust piling up on my furniture (really must make cleaning a priority!) or my poor track record when it comes to catching up with friends (thank goodness for instant messaging!). There is vastly more right with this picture than there is wrong. And actually, what appears wrong is simply the result of my change-resistant, controlly brain trying to, well, resist change and be in control.

The wonderful Kris Carr recently posted a quote online that hit the mark for me: “Don’t forget how badly you once wanted what you have now.”

I had forgotten. I had forgotten what it was like to not be the me that I am now. Instead of focusing on my gratitude for how far I had come, I was focusing on the areas where I was (or at least, I perceived I was) falling short. I was looking at the hole, instead of the doughnut.
When I focus my attention on all the blessings in my life, and how far I’ve come, my discomfort at what isn’t perfect shrinks. Would a sparkling-clean kitchen make my heart sing? Unlikely. And it wouldn’t lessen my sense of overwhelm either – because I would still have plenty on my plate. The only solution, then, is acceptance. My life is busy, sure, and often tiring, but it is also rich and love-filled and glorious.

If your life feels shambolic, and there’s not much you can do to change that, you can still change the way you look at it. 

Bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert rails against use of the word ‘balance’. She is constantly asked in magazine interviews and reader meet-and-greets how she achieves balance. Unfortunately, this is a question that, as a journalist, I’m required by editors to ask every woman I interview (NEVER men – which tells you exactly how fucked up the concept of ‘balance’ is). Gilbert objects to the question on the grounds that the word balance has, she writes, “tilted dangerously close to the word perfect”.

She explains: “To say that someone has found the secret to a balanced life is to suggest that they have solved life, and that they now float through their days in a constant state of grace and ease, never suffering stress, ambivalence, confusion, exhaustion, anger, fear or regret. Which is a wonderful description of nobody, ever,” she wrote in a Facebook post.

Gilbert argues there is no such thing as balance, so seeking it is an exercise in futility. Her solution, instead, is to embrace the madness. Life is as messy as a dropped pie, she says, and instead of wasting energy trying to put it back together, the only solution is to grab a fork and eat a mouthful as you continue on your way.

Here is my solution: I am not trying to fix my out-of-kilter schedule. I am, however, getting better at saying ‘no’ to people so that I am not running myself completely ragged, and I am making regular downtime a priority amid the chaos. I am doing my best to keep in contact with friends electronically, and I am trying to make the time I spend with people quality time (instead of snatched bursts of hurried conversations with one eye on my phone). This is the best I can do right now. And that is enough.

It’s time to stop worrying about not having enough time, and instead, to change the way we think about time. To recognise and celebrate all that makes our lives so wonderful and fulfilling, and to acknowledge that we are doing the very best we can.

It’s also – since I’ve put the idea in your head – time to eat a doughnut. Or a pie.

Stop the hustle. Sometimes the best thing you can do to succeed is nothing

If you send a text message to the top five people in your contacts list asking them how they are doing, I guarantee at least four will reply using the word ‘busy’. It’s highly unlikely that anyone will reply complaining of boredom. I’m a member of The Busy Club myself. But I’ve decided I want to rescind my membership.

My body has not been happy with me recently. Mostly we have a good relationship but occasionally we veer into irritable sibling territory. The source of contention: divergent interests. My mind wants me to leap ahead with #allthegoals now now now but my body is demanding rest. It does so through what I’ve come to recognise as its fuse-breakers: skin breakouts, a cold sore (gross) and waning energy levels. These are red flags for me to stop and rest; if I ignore them, my life comes to a grinding halt and may refuse to restart for quite some time. You would think, then, that it would be a good idea for me to give my body what it needs.

Except.

I’m just not very good at doing nothing. I will sometimes allow myself an afternoon nap at weekends, but I’ve got so much on my plate right now, that doing something “unproductive” such as colouring- in or watching a DVD feels like time wasted (nope, I’m not a Capricorn – I’m actually a Scorpio). Relaxation, I tell my body, is something best done when I’ve done all the other stuff I need to get done. Which is about as likely to happen as Taylor Swift’s next album containing zero references to Calvin Harris. When you’re juggling multiple freelance projects, a blog, social media channels, not to mention a gym program, friendships and a relationship, there is never nothing to be done. Few people, I suspect, would regard that as a problem... and THAT is the problem.

We’ve started to glorify busyness as if it were the default setting instead of just a semi-regular, short-term event. If you’re not crazy-busy and stressed out, there’s something wrong with you. Wait, what?

We’re all about the ‘hustle’ and the ‘slay’. It feels like every second social media post is affirming that the only way to succeed is to kickarse tirelessly, striving ahead with everythingeverything alldayeveryday. I saw a post this morning that declared “now is the new later”. Instead of motivating me, it only made me feel really, really tired.

That’s the thing. All this running around doing everything at once and being everything at once – while looking at our phones – is exhausting. Plus, it’s counter-productive. We can’t excel at anything if we’re trying to do everything. Even the ocean is still sometimes.

We seem to have forgotten that we’re human BEINGS not human DOINGS. It’s not hustling that helps us learn and grow – that is what happens in self-reflection. 

I’d like to propose a radical alternative to all this busyness: hopping out of the driver’s seat regularly, and checking into a rest stop.

Taking time out to relax has the practical benefit of not only allowing the body to recharge, in preparation for your next adventures, but also allows you to take your emotional temperature. Just like a pilot checking in with air traffic control to make sure they’re still on track for their destination, self-reflection helps you think about where you’re heading, as well as the challenges you’re wrestling with and your overall life-satisfaction levels. 

It also creates space for the Universe to step in and help you. Arianna Huffington wrote: “Life is a dance between making it happen, and letting it happen.” Dreams and goals are not meant to be a constant struggle. Mostly, they’re a partnership with the Universe – 50 per cent listening and 50 per cent action. If you’re hustling hustling hustling but making no progress, maybe you’re holding on too tightly to how you think things should be; the Universe may have a better idea for you, if you stop and give it room to make that happen.

I stumbled upon a great quote recently (because let’s not forget that social media can be really helpful!) that has reinforced my suspicion that I need to make a point of stopping regularly instead of constantly surging forward. It’s about bringing back a greater sense of balance, for the sake of my body and my soul. The quote was: “Grace will take you places hustlin’ can’t.”

I love this. Grace is what happens when you stop to find stillness amid the haste – and instead of feeling guilty, you feel fulfilled. Grace is when you listen to your body and give it what it needs – not kombucha or trendy foods, but simple, good-quality nutrition, exercise and sleep. Grace is being present in this moment instead of focusing on what’s coming up. Grace is about stepping out of struggle and surrendering to the Universe, instead of trying to control everything. Grace is checking out of The Busy Club.

Grace is what I’m doing right now. Curled up on the couch on a Sunday afternoon in my pyjamas with a blanket, watching Pride and Prejudice. Aaaaaand writing this post while simultaneously replying to Instagram comments, admittedly. Hey, I’m a slow learner.

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Confessions of a crap meditator

When my mother was a child, she enrolled in ballet lessons, full of enthusiasm… then quit after a month because they wouldn’t teach her how to dance Swan Lake. I’ve always loved this anecdote, not only because it brilliantly illustrates that self-righteous indignation particular to pre-teen girls, but also because I can understand her objection to pursuing an activity she didn’t immediately excel at.

Generally speaking, I go out of my way to avoid things I’m not good at – budgeting, walking in heels, samurai-sword fighting (admittedly this last one is not an everyday problem). But meditation has been the one thing I continue to do even though I fail at it again and again and again.

In a world which focuses on results, success and achievement, committing every day to doing something I have yet to improve at feels a little, well, pointless. But that’s exactly the point. 

My daily meditations go from 10 to 20 minutes. Approximately 45 seconds in, my attention starts to wander. I’ll be breathing slowly and deeply, feeling my body start to relax, then my mind will panic about not being in control. Then it stages a takeover bid. Is that rain outside? I need to renew my domain name soon. Did I ever reply to Mum’s text? What kind of weird-arse bird makes that sound? 

Here are some strategies I’ve employed at various points in a bid to stay focused on my practice: repeating mantras, letting go of my thoughts as soon as they appear (trying to let them simply pass), concentrating on each part of my body and letting it relax, using guided meditations. These are sometimes effective, sometimes not. I can proudly declare that I have been meditating almost every day for about three years and am just as crap today as the day I started. 

I’m telling you this because whenever I deliver a message from the angels about the need to meditate, nine times out of 10 I will get this response: ‘I’m no good at meditating’. I’m sure there are lots of holier-than-thou spiritual types who will tell you how good they are at meditating, but I’m a very realistic spiritual type. So here’s the truth: I’m no good at meditating. And this is not a reason not to continue with my practice. It’s actually an excellent reason TO do it. 

The philosophy of meditation is that there is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ meditation practice – it’s the process itself that matters. You’re discouraged from putting a judgment on the quality of the practice. It’s normal for thoughts to appear in your brain – in fact, it’s almost impossible to clear your mind of all thoughts – the trick is not to engage with those thoughts. If you can resist that, you’ll go deep and experience the level of calm that will melt your stress and change the shape of your day. Zen monk Shunryu Suzuki explains it as follows: “In [meditation] leave your front door and back door open. Let thoughts come and go. Just don’t serve them tea.”

The theory’s good, the practice, less so.

I have had some sublime moments while meditating. A few times I have felt myself lifting right out of my body. I had a sense of floating above in a divine light. It lasted mere seconds but I have never forgotten that feeling. 

I’ve also had very clear messages from my intuition while meditating that have proved immensely helpful in my life, which is a major reason I persevere with it, even though I am often frustrated by my tendency to lose focus and my frequent struggle to let go completely.

The inescapable truth is that even when I feel like I haven’t had a particularly beneficial meditation, I still feel better than I would have if I hadn’t meditated at all. I feel calmer, more centred and fractionally more powerful. Even wine can’t do that (although, sometimes it momentarily fools me into believing it can). 

If you’re struggling with meditation, feeling like you’re doing it wrong or that you’re just not spiritual enough, I feel you. But you’re going to have to come up with a better reason not to commit to this hugely powerful, transformative activity. In a loud, crazy-busy and confusing world, we all need periods of stillness like we never have before. Even when you lose, you’re actually winning. So keep trying, keep failing. You will be better for it. 

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