I'll sit with you when you're hurting. And I won't try to fix you

A couple of months ago there was a story bouncing around the internet about a woman who’d created a series of greeting cards to send to someone going through cancer. What was unique about Emily McDowell's cards was their raw honesty. Instead of the trite, and frankly unhelpful, standard card messages, they said what someone suffering a life-altering illness really needed to hear. Stuff like: “Please let me be the first person to punch the next person who tells you everything happens for a reason” and “I wish I could take away your pain. Or at least, take away the people who compare it to the time their hampster died.” But my personal favourite was this one: “I'm sorry I haven't been in touch. I didn't know what to say.” I like this because it beautifully captures the helplessness you feel when someone close to you is suffering, and you know there is nothing you can say or do to ease their pain.

I was reminded of this recently when I was spending time with a friend who is healing from a broken heart. Over the course of our conversation she ran the gamut of emotions from rage to disappointment to shame to grief. I wanted so badly to offer some advice or some truism that would help her find peace, even if temporarily, but I had nothing. But that’s not what she needed from me, anyway. It’s not up to me to fix the situation, my job is to be there and listen. Empathy is not a verb, it’s a heart space.

Liz Gilbert wrote a beautiful and moving post a few months ago about the despair she felt after another mass

One of Emily McDowell's beautiful cards.

shooting in the US, and how she attempted to turn that sadness into hope on a micro scale: “When the world starts to feel overwhelming in its sorrows, I always ask myself to look around me – to narrow down my focus – and to notice somebody who is nearby me, who is suffering. I can’t help the millions, but maybe I can help one. Life is hard; there is always someone going through great pain. I tell myself: Go sit with that person today for a while. Don’t try to solve their life, or answer for God [as to why it has happened], or offer dismissive ‘reasons’, or try fix the whole world. Just say, ‘I don’t know. But I will sit with you through this.’ Turn your overflow of sorrow into love.”

When you don’t know what to say or do, it’s tempting to either rush in with solutions or platitudes, or to just back away completely. Don’t do that. Lean in. Sit beside them and listen. That’s how you show love. That’s how you say ‘I hate that you’re suffering and I can’t change that but I will bear witness to your pain and hold your hand when you need me.’ What people need when their world is broken is the warmth of human connection. That is the one thing you CAN do.

Speak your truth - the way you use your words is so important. This is how the throat chakra works

When you were a kid, did your mum often utter these fateful words? “This is the last time I’ll warn you about this!”  And did she follow through on that threat? 

When our words and actions don’t match up, that can signify an imbalance in the throat chakra, which is the energy centre concerned with communication. 

Spiritually, our words are very important because they connect us to the Universe, so making sure we don’t misuse them can really help us create the life we dream of. Essentially, what we say is a direct reflection of who we are and what we want. And if we can’t express ourselves well, that will adversely affect our relationships too.

While the base chakra’s adversary is fear and the heart chakra faces up to grief, the throat chakra’s challenge is lies. That’s because this energy centre is about how our words align (or not) with what we really mean.

Obviously speech is important when it comes to the throat chakra, but so is listening – which is a major component in healthy relationships, because when you think about it, all any human being really wants is to be heard. If you deny someone that right, ideally you would have a good reason (perhaps their words are detrimental to you, for example). 

When this chakra is in balance, you’re able to ask for what you want without apologising for it. You don’t need to yell or use a lot of words when you communicate with people. You listen – really listen! – to people instead of mentally preparing your response while they are still speaking.

The most common way an imbalance in this chakra shows up is when your words don’t match up with your behaviour – you don’t pay people when you say you will, you don’t ring them when you said you would... that type of thing. 

People who are deficient in the throat chakra might demonstrate these attributes:

* They can’t say no to anyone, even when they really want to

* They never say what they really think

* They have a quiet voice or an uncertain tone

* They give mixed messages (which is why nothing in their lives works out the way they want it to).

People who have excessive energy in the throat chakra might exhibit these qualities:

*They interrupt and talk over people

* They talk too much, for too long, and repeat themselves constantly

* They gossip regularly

(Image: the throat chakra symbol)

* They use bullying and overly critical words

* They are uncomfortable with silence.

To bring the throat chakra into balance, practise actively listening. If the energy in your throat chakra is deficient, finding ways to express your truth, such as journalling, can be beneficial. It if is excessive, undertaking periods of silence is said to help your throat chakra greatly.

Also, this sounds weird, but singing is actually really good for clearing the throat chakra, because it helps you find your voice. For yoga devotees, shoulder stands and plough pose target the throat chakra. 

If you’d like to work with me to heal any of the issues in this article, you can book energy healing sessions here. More information about how I work is available here.  

Just listen. It's all anyone needs you to do

Technology might make it easier for us to forge new connections as well as maintain relationships with those who are far away, but it’s also eroding relationships with those who are close to us. In his book Focus, leading US psychologist Daniel Goleman (whose work is fascinating, BTW) has written about how technology is killing our attention spans. We are so used to the barrage of information presented to us that we lose interest when forced to focus on just one thing, or one person. What that means for relationships is this: “Being able to focus on the other person rather than the text you just received has become the new fundamental requirement for having a relationship with that person,” Daniel says.

The reason I bring this up is not to lament our increasingly scattered and superficial social interactions – although that is concerning – but to reflect on a really important facet of relationships that I feel I am in danger of forgetting how to do: listening.


It does feel, at least to me, that it’s harder than ever to be fully engaged in a conversation with someone else, and the influence of so much competing stimuli is surely part of the problem. (Although to be fair, I’ve always had a short attention span.) To be fully engaged in a conversation means listening – really listening – to the other person, which is as important in our interactions people we know as it is with those we don’t.

A few weeks ago I was on a bus trip home, writing in my notebook, when an old man sitting next to me suddenly asked me what I was focusing on so intently. This started a conversation that lasted the entire journey home and covered: handwriting styles, the best and worst places in the world we’d each visited and the history of the suburbs we were travelling through. I realised how bewildering it must be to someone of his generation to see everyone staring at their phones or listening to music – anything but engaging with the people and places around them. Everyone is trying to be somewhere other than where they are. As I got off the bus he thanked me for listening and said how much he’d enjoyed our chat (I had too).

This was an important reminder that giving someone our complete attention, and really taking in what they’re saying, is such a beautiful and underrated thing to do. Dave Isay, winner of the 2015 TED Prize, describes listening as an act of generosity and love. StoryCorps is a project Dave founded where two people who know each other sit in a mobile recording booth with a facilitator for 40 minutes of conversation. Essentially, they interview each other – many treating this as a ‘what I would say if this was our last conversation together’ scenario – and what comes out of that is a new understanding about the other person and a deeper connection to them. A recording of their conversation is available for a fee to cover costs. Dave is now developing an app to allow people to have these meaningful conversations at home.

“So much of how we communicate is fleeting and inconsequential,” says Dave in his TED talk. “I’ve learned about the poetry and wisdom and grace that can be found in the words of people all around us when we simply take the time to listen.”

What I’ve been reminded of lately how powerful the simple act of listening is. All anyone wants is to be heard. To be understood, yes, but most importantly to be heard. Our ears are as important in meaningful interactions as our hearts are. By listening to someone – whether it’s a random man on the bus or your significant other – you are bringing integrity to that exchange, affirming that that person matters and validating their human experience. That is the best gift you could give anyone. I hope, that in an age with so much competing for our attention, I never forget how to do that.