How to improve your love life (spoiler alert: it doesn't involve Facebook)

If a relationship happens in the forest and no one witnesses it, does it really happen at all?

This is the question I’m asking myself after the emergence of a bizarre Facebook trend this week called the Love Your Spouse Challenge.

The idea is that people are ‘challenged’ to post pictures of their partner every day for a week to ‘prove’ how much they love them. Exactly why this is challenging or even necessary is not clear.

Big deal, you probably think – it’s only a bunch of photos, and it sure beats having a newsfeed chock-full with political rants. Plus, it’s not like oversharing on Facebook is a new phenomenon. I agree… and yet I find this trend perplexing. The idea that so many people feel they need to ‘prove’ the integrity of their relationships to anyone outside of that relationship is a little concerning.

We’ve had the ‘relationship’ angel card come up twice in the last week, so the Universe is putting a lot of emphasis on the strength of our primary relationships right now. The angels have been encouraging us to really show up for our partners. At no point, however, did they mention ~posting~ about our partners.

If you feel like you need to prove your love for your partner, that’s a fairly good indicator that you need to have a conversation. With them, that is, not with your 378+ Facebook friends. Because people who feel secure in their relationships generally don’t go looking for validation from other people. They don’t need to.

Perhaps it’s just me who feels this way – after all, I’m slightly allergic to highly personal Facebook posts. When my boyfriend changed his Facebook status – and, consequently, mine also – to ‘in a relationship’, I felt quite uncomfortable, for reasons that had nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with what people thought about it. I knew that this would invite public comment on something that is, ultimately, private.

Sure enough, over an excruciating three-day period we got a bit of attention. I squirmed in my seat as well-meaning people posted excited comments. Someone even said ‘congratulations’ as if I had won a prize. Perhaps escaping that perennially shameful institution known as singledom is regarded as a prize of sorts (sigh). 

I don’t mean to be dismissive – it’s lovely that people wanted to share in our happiness, and many people knew that I had felt ready for a relationship for some time. But the showy nature of Facebook made me feel like I’d been forced to ride atop a float in some weird parade. Someone told me they were pleased because I ‘deserved to be happy’. Well, yes, thank you, I do… but so does everyone, surely. ‘I was happy before I met this guy, too!’ I wanted to shout. No one cares. It feels like we idealise relationships so much that we don’t recognise single people as being truly happy and complete. For obvious reasons, this is problematic. 

I know that the people commenting on my status change had only the best of intentions, and certainly weren’t making social commentary. But it felt like some remarks reflected an underlying, widespread belief that a relationship is the only measure of someone’s success in the world, and that a woman without a man is lacking in a major way. I suspect this is what fuels the idea that a relationship flaunted on social media is a healthy one.

But I digress.

From a spiritual perspective, your romantic relationship is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself. When you’re feeling insecure or doubtful of your own worth, that will show up in the way you show up for your partner. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone if you don’t believe you truly deserve love. Part of our soul’s journey in this lifetime is to grow to appreciate our own intrinsic worth and immense power, so we can shine our brightest. Yet we are socially conditioned to believe that our worth derives from earning the love of another. So we saddle that person with the burden of fulfilling us and giving our lives meaning, not realising that this task belongs to us alone.

Self-love is an inside job. You cannot outsource it. The bad news: it’s really hard to love yourself in a world that tells you you’re not good enough (alone or otherwise). The good news: it’s entirely possible to do so – which is why the Universe will keep gently nudging you in this direction. And the better you get at valuing yourself, the better your romantic relationship will become. Or if you’re single, the better quality of partner you’ll attract. I did not meet a lovely man then became a contented, confident person who leads from the heart – it was the other way around. I became a contented, confident person then attracted a lovely man.

Is there a Facebook trend for that? I think there should be. #relationshipgoals

On being highly sensitive: why I no longer watch the news

I’m going to confess something that no respectable journalist should ever own up to. Here goes... I don’t watch the news.

Nope, never.

I don’t watch news broadcasts on TV, I don’t read the newspapers and I don’t visit news sites (which, to be fair, are dominated by celebrity updates anyway).

It’s because, as a sensitive person, the news makes me feel deeply despondent about the world and about the future. And given the horrors we’ve already witnessed this year – Orlando, Istanbul airport and Brussels, to name a few – my head-in-the-sand stance is more and more important.

As a qualified journalist, avoiding current affairs is somewhat reckless. It’s been drummed into me from my training how important a role the news media play in society – keeping politicians honest, setting the political agenda and keeping the public informed. In short, the media are powerful agents of change. With that in mind, I should absolutely be keeping up with the play about what’s happening in the world (and especially since newspaper circulations are falling – I should be supporting my fellow journos). Except...

I can’t.  

Because watching, for example, reports of shootings, terror attacks, racist diatribes from Trump and any accounts of crime deeply upset me. I’m not talking about just feeling sad or sorry for someone who is suffering, I’m talking about a core emotional response.

That’s kinda the deal when you’re sensitive. You pick up on the energies of others around you, and it’s difficult not to take that on. It’s the same with the media. I feel a smidgen of the victims’ distress and I crumble. I feel distraught and fearful. I feel distrustful of my fellow man/woman. I have a crushing sense of hopelessness. Which is no good to anyone. So I simply don’t watch it. 

I know this means I am uninformed, and I’m fine with it. But I really don’t think there’s any value in me knowing the details of the Orlando gunman’s MO or the Paris terror attack locations, for example.

I’m sure media commentators would condemn me for sticking my head in the sand, and I’m fine with that too. 

Because for me, the toll of reading, watching or discussing these events is too great. 

Sure, it’s important to know that these tragedies have happened, and I get that knowledge from social media and interactions with my peeps. But I don’t delve into those stories, and I’m not afraid to walk away from conversations that linger on them.

Here’s the thing – I do not need to bear witness to people’s suffering to know that these actions are deplorable. I do not honour the victims in any way by raking over the nuances of their pain. I do not value my own life, or my family’s lives, any more fiercely simply by knowing the extent that others have been subjected to unimaginable pain. So I don’t imagine it, at all.

Here’s how I honour people who’ve lost their lives or suffered emotional or physical pain as a result of a big-news tragedy. It’s the same way I make sure that the world is not –  in spite of how news coverage tends to make me feel – hopeless or bleak, and the human race is not intrinsically evil. 

I keep giving love. I keep volunteering my time. I keep sending out messages of positivity and hope on social media. I keep smiling at and acknowledging the people who are overlooked (lonely elderly people on park benches, miserable bus drivers, exhausted cashiers, etc). I keep showing up for my loved ones who need me. (I am not saying I nail this stuff every time, BTW.) Most importantly, I keep focusing on the beauty, the joy and the magic in every day.  

Liz Gilbert says that when confronted with horrifying news stories, instead of upsetting herself by reflecting on the nefarious forces that led to such a tragedy, she looks for the helpers. The people who respond from the most basic level of humanity – that compulsion to love and support each other, which we are all hardwired to do – by assisting those who are affected by a devastating event. The people who queued all day in the Florida heat to donate blood after Orlando. The people who offered to ride public transport with Muslims after the Lindt Cafe siege in Sydney. The people who took around glasses of orange juice after the Boston Marathon bombing. My heart swells just thinking about them. 

I am not suggesting everyone should avoid the news, and I’m certainly not advocating ignoring horrific events completely. It’s true that these tragedies are an opportunity for us to make change in the world – lobbying for gun reform, for example, or rethinking our social attitudes to alcohol. So, yes, there is value in learning more about these tragedies and in starting conversations that may inspire change at a community and even a global level. 

But often, in my experience, what actually happens is we stand around muttering comments like ‘it’s so sad’ and ‘it breaks my heart’ then we go back to talking about Pokemon Go. That’s not a criticism, by the way – if gathering to discuss tragedies, even for a short time, makes you feel better and gives you an emotional outlet, that’s great. For me, it doesn’t – it simply leaves me with a sense of futility and powerlessness. So instead I’ll allow community leaders, reporters and those who feel called to agitate for change to delve into negative news and use that as their fuel for action. I’ll support them where I can, but only from a distance.   

There is nothing I can do to stop these sorts of tragedies from occurring. What I can do, however, is make sure they do not define the human experience for me and for those around me. I don’t need to listen to the news to do that – I just need to listen to my heart. 

RELATED POST: One for the sensitive types - how your weakness can be your strength

Angels 101: how to talk to your angels

The most common question I get asked after mentioning my work with angels is: “Do I have guardian angels?” The second question is: “Can I talk to them?”

The answer to both questions is yes. Which is fantastic, because it means we are never alone (yay). It also means we can access wisdom and knowledge to guide us through any challenge.

No matter who you are, what choices you’ve made or what your spiritual beliefs are, you have guardian angels assigned to you. Their job is to give you guidance and help you find peace in your life. BUT they can’t help you unless you ask them to. That’s because we all have free will – in other words, the right to make our own life choices. The angels can’t violate that (unless, of course, your life is in danger, and it’s not your time to pass on), so if you need help with something, you have to actually ask them.

So how do you speak to your angels? 

Some people choose to pray or meditate, but you don’t *have* to communicate in a formal way – you just need to express what is on your mind. You don’t even need to speak out loud – I often chat to my angels in my head.

Sometimes people think they shouldn’t bother their angels with requests that seem trivial. But your angels are there to help you – that’s their job. There’s really nothing too small or too big for them to tackle.

As well as your own guardian angels, there’s also an angel squad waiting in the wings (pun intended) to deal with specific sitches you might be facing. They have the power to help everyone at the same time, so don’t fear that you are taking them away from a more important task. Try talking to:

Archangel Raphael

He’s in charge of healing, so call upon him for physical or emotional health concerns. When you ask for his help, visualise emerald green light (that’s his colour) surrounding the part of your body or the situation that you want healed. BTW if you find the problem isn’t alleviated after calling on Raphael, that could be because it’s the symptom of a deeper emotional problem you need to address – for example, digestion problems are often to do with fears and stress; lower back is about financial stress (not feeling supported). 

Raphael is also associated with travel, so you can ask him to protect and guide your plane and aircrew, for example, when you’re on vacation. Whenever I’m driving long distances, I ask him to help me and the other drivers on the road to make good decisions.

Archangel Gabriel

This is the archangel associated with creativity and motivation. I ask Gabriel for help when I have writers’ block (for example, when I need a brilliant blog post idea!) and when I lack motivation to complete a task. Maybe you need inspiration for your son’s birthday cake. Maybe you’ve got an essay to write. Whatever your project, Gabriel’s your go-to angel.

Parking angels

Yep, there are angels to help you find carparks! You might wonder why angels would be interested in helping you with something so mundane, but remember that the angels’ job is to help you find peace. If someone could reserve a perfect carpark for you when you go out, wouldn’t that make your life more peaceful? Yes, yes it would. A warning: you do need to call upon the parking angels BEFORE you reach your destination (and ideally before you leave home), so they have time to make a space for you.

Archangel Michael

As the patron saint of police officers and emergency-service workers, Michael is associated with protection and security. I call upon him when I’m feeling physically vulnerable, such as if I’m home alone at night and fearing for my physical safety. I also regularly ask him to protect my home and possessions – especially if I’ve got cause for concern (such as when we had people coming through for an open home). He’s also associated with courage and strength, so I ask him to shore up my reserves of those on the reg.

Romance angels

They can help you find love, or enhance your romantic relationship. Call on them to manifest a meeting with your soulmate, help you strengthen your relationship or provide clarity about whether your partnership is serving you.

If you are single, keep in mind that asking the romance angels for help manifesting a new relationship does not mean Ryan Gosling is going to knock on your door tomorrow (soz!). Because relationships are such a fundamental part of the way we learn and grow as humans, there is often work we need to do to prepare ourselves for healthy relationships. In other words: results may not be instant. So if you have been asking the Universe for some time to bring your soulmate into your life and are feeling disappointed, it might be time to switch your strategy from asking for help to one of actively taking charge of the situation. This doesn’t mean you have to get ‘out there’ more, it means you need to look at what might be going on in your subconscious that’s blocking you from what you are trying to attract. If you’re constantly attracting partners who are not respectful or emotionally available, for example, that’s a sign you’ve got some healing to do before you’ll be able to attract the right partner. Read more about that here.

I know I’ve gone off on a tangent here, but I wanted to make it clear that – no matter what some spiritual people say – manifesting healthy relationships isn’t as simple as putting in an order and just remaining positive. If you ask for their help, the romance angels will work with you, but you’ll have to leave the timing up to them – and meet them halfway in terms of making sure you’re really, truly, ready for a healthy partnership. Above all, do not give up hope. There is always hope.

Read more about how we can inadvertently block ourselves from achieving our goals here.

The takeaway message:

Talk to your angels whenever you need help, and trust their answers. They can help you make better decisions and move forward in the direction of your dreams. Connecting with your angels is easy and incredibly reassuring. A good time to start that?  Yesterday. The second-best time? Today. 

What do you believe in? My quest for faith without religion

One of my favourite advice columns in Cheryl Strayed’s Dear Sugar series was her response to a letter from a woman questioning the existence of God. Her six-month-old daughter had, against the odds, survived surgery to remove a brain tumour, and a lot of people had been praying for her (agnostic) family. The woman told Cheryl that the terrifying event had left her wondering whether there was such thing as God, and if so, had he saved her daughter’s life? But if God existed, she wondered, why had he let her daughter get sick in the first place? Strayed’s reply was, as always, shoulder-droppingly moving.

“What if you allowed your God to exist in the simple words of compassion others offer to you? What if faith is the way it feels to lay your hand on your daughter’s sacred body? What if the greatest beauty of the day is the shaft of sunlight through your window? What if the worst thing happened and you rose anyway?”

The reason I love this passage so much is because it beautifully sums up what religion means to me – not the dedication to please a supernatural bearded man who condemns and judges, but the innate compulsion to honour the powerful spirit of love that exists around us and within us. Something we can channel to give us strength, something that inspires us to be more and give more, something reflected in the extraordinary beauty of nature, something that serves as a life raft when we are adrift in stormy seas. Something vastly more powerful than we could possibly imagine.

It’s sometimes difficult for people to understand how I can believe in angels and in God yet not conform to any church-based faith. It’s sometimes difficult for me to explain this.

I realise everyone has their own views on religion, and I don’t wish to force my views on anyone. I totally understand that there are all sorts of reasons institutional religion appeals to people – a sense of certainty, for example. I respect everyone’s right to determine their own values and faith; this is simply the expression of what feels true for me. To borrow another Cheryl quote: “My truth is not a condemnation of yours.”

Last week I went to a number of sessions at the always-brilliant Sydney Writer’s Festival; one of the standouts for me was social researcher Hugh Mackay’s talk entitled Finding Meaning Without Religion.

Around two-thirds of Australians say we believe in God or some ‘higher power’, but fewer than one in 10 of us attend church weekly. To me, that indicates that people are searching for spirituality in their lives without pledging allegiance to a church’s definition. We’re individually searching our hearts for what’s meaningful to each of us. I suspect for many people that search leads not to stories in ancient lands and gardens, but – as Strayed so eloquently put it – the “way it feels to lay your hand on your daughter’s sacred body”.  Or as the Dalai Lama says simply: “My religion is kindness.”

What being religious, or spiritual-but-not-religious, gives us is a sort of roadmap – albeit sketchy – to navigate this confusing and sometimes bitterly unfair world. It gives us hope and it gives us meaning. Essentially, religion is people putting their faith in something larger than themselves.

If you find that larger thing in scriptures, hymns, rituals and visits to religious buildings, that’s wonderful. If you don’t, Hugh suggests you look for your own sense of meaning “in the eyes of the people who love you, or who are at least prepared to put up with you” (lol). There’s a Maori proverb from my native New Zealand which says: He aha te mea nui o te ao. He tangata, he tangata, he tangata. That means: What is the most important thing in the world? It is people, it is people, it is people.

I’m paraphrasing here, but what Hugh is suggesting is we place our faith in the ties that bind us and the love we have for each other. That is something both tangible and intangible. We often think of religion in terms of salvation and redemption, yet when you look back to the darkest periods of your life, who saved you and who helped you find redemption? I’d wager it was the people who love you.

I’m not at all saying institutional religion is invalid, I’m simply saying that in my personal experience, matters of faith are best reduced to a framework of love and compassion. I find that in the divine, but I also find it expressed through the people around me.

Hugh explains: “It’s in our DNA to be cooperative and to form community. The way we form community is to behave in kind, tolerant and respectful ways towards each other.” Instead of what religion you belong to, he wants to know: “What kind of world are you dreaming of? And how does this affect the way you go about your life and treat other people?” Perhaps this is what Ram Dass was getting at when he suggested we “treat everyone we meet as God in drag”.

Those questions, Hugh says, are far more important that what box you tick in the religion question on your census.

And they all lived uncertainly ever after

And they lived happily ever after.

These are the magical words that neatly wrap up a story. As a child, I would hear this sentence at the end of my bedtime story and know immediately that everything would be wonderful. No more disasters. No more deaths. No more ill-fitting shoes or evil stepmothers.

This set me up very poorly for dating in adulthood, I have to say.

If I know a movie has a disappointing ending, I don’t bother watching it. If I suspect the characters in a book are heading for a grim fate, I either skip to the end or just abandon the story completely. Essentially, I don’t want to invest time or energy into something if I don’t know how it will end. 

You can see how this is problematic when it comes to dating, that complicated dance in which the only certainty is uncertainty.

I’ve started seeing someone after many years flying solo. This was not planned. I did not decide that there was something missing in my life (there isn’t). I did not feel there I was failing at life because I was single (I wasn’t). I met someone and felt an instant attraction to him and, yes, it’s fun and exciting... but it’s also forcing me to confront a whole lot of old crap that's been lurking in my subconscious. My fear of rejection. My fear of becoming dependent on someone, at the cost of my independence. My fear that I’m not worthy of love.

None of this ever happened in the fairytales.

The fact that being with someone is triggering so many of my deepest fears is a good thing – it’s giving me the opportunity to clear them so I can move into a space of greater confidence and self-acceptance. As I’ve noted on this blog many times, when it comes to dealing with fear, the only way out is through. Hello, trust issues. Hello, fragility. Hello, guarded heart.

The challenge for me is to see all of these deeply imbedded fears, and to keep showing up and opening up anyway. To take the risk despite there being no guarantee of a good outcome with this guy, or any other guy, for that matter. To do this is to be vulnerable. To do this is to connect with another on a whole new level. To do this is to be the truest me I have ever been.

I’ve asked the angels to tell me whether this is a relationship worth delving into all these dark emotions for, and they won’t tell me. They aren’t saying it will end well, or badly, they will only tell me to keep going. That this is for my greatest good, and I don’t need to know what will happen. (I beg to differ, but experience has shown me that I am no expert in determining what is for my best interests.) I’m really not on board with this whole ‘let’s just see what happens’ sitch. I feel like if I knew how this will play out, I could make some smart life choices here – and, ideally, avoid emotional devastation. But despite having some ability to see the future, I’m not being shown the final page on this one. I can’t learn the lessons I need to learn without experiencing the middle chapters.

It would appear, in conclusion, that the Rolling Stones were right all along – you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need. Which is pretty far from a fairytale, but it’s the best I’m going to get.

Maybe that’s the point – less focus on the happy ending, more on the new beginning.

And they all lived uncertainly ever after.