“You are not required to
set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”
I saw this quote on
Instagram the other day and I actually cheered. I’ve been wanting to write a
post about the power of saying NO for some time, and this quote sums up my
thoughts perfectly.
You know how safety announcements on planes tell you to attach your own oxygen mask before
helping others with their masks? That’s because you can’t help other people if
you have not been looking after yourself. In simpler, less alarming terms: you
can’t give energy if your own tank is empty.
A lot of people who
seek reiki treatment have emotional imbalances because they’ve created energy blocks
in their bodies through having a lack of boundaries in their lives.
So many of us –
especially women, because we’re often socially conditioned to be
people-pleasers – struggle to say the word NO to things that we don’t want to
do because we think people won’t like us. We don’t like letting people down –
so we say yes to every social event or request... and in doing so, we let
ourselves down, because we end up stressed and on the path to burnout. We
fear what other people will think of us if we say NO so we say yes, then we end
up resentful about having no time to ourselves, and feel like we’re being taken
advantage of. We also feel stupidly, irrationally guilty about saying NO.
Just to clear this
up: no is not a bad word. It is a
very powerful tool for protecting and enriching your
energy levels and emotional health. If you consistently say yes when you want
to say no, others will expect you to drop everything to help them whenever they need to move house, organise their parents’
anniversary party or remove an ingrown hair – because they’re responding to your past behaviour. You can’t
expect people to honour boundaries that you have failed to set.
This doesn’t mean you
shouldn’t help out your mates and spend time with your relatives and in-laws – but not at the expense of your own health and wellbeing. If you feel like
someone might be taking the piss and you’re feeling resentful about it, they
probably are. Set very clear parameters, eg: “Yes I’ll come to your
sister-in-law’s baby shower with you but I’ll only stay an hour” or “I won’t be
able to give you a lift to yoga on Saturday morning because I really need a
sleep-in but I’ll meet you for a quick coffee next weekend” or “I’ll look after
your kids for two hours if you’ll pick mine up from school when I have a doctor’s
appointment”.
You do not have to be
a martyr in order to have close friendships or loving relationships. In fact, people will respect you more if you do set boundaries.
If they don’t... maybe you need to ask yourself how much of a presence you want
them to have in your life.
The most important
thing you need to know when it comes to boundaries is that saying yes to
everyone does not make you popular or loved – it makes
you a doormat. Set boundaries... before you set yourself on fire.
PS I’ve just posted
the quote at the top of this page on my Instagram – if it takes your fancy,
visit my feed at @onegroundedangel and regram it.
