It’s hard to pick just one standout quote from Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist,
an exquisite book I have come back to again and again throughout my adult life, but this one would certainly be among my favourites: “The secret to life
is to fall down seven times and get up eight times.”
In less poetic terms: “I get
knocked down, but I get up again.” (Thanks for that, Chumbawamba.*)
Picking yourself up again after
failure, humiliation and heartbreak is achingly difficult, but very necessary if you want to move forward in your life. What Paulo Coelho is describing so lyrically is resilience.
So that’s the ‘why’; this is the
‘how’. The words you use are extremely powerful when it comes to getting back up when
you are down. I know this because science.
There’s a well-known study in which Japanese researcher Dr Masaru Emoto took two identical jars of cooked rice and wrote
“thank you” on one, and on the other “you fool”. He had school children say the
labels out loud to the jars every day as they walked past. After 30 days the
jar that had received positive affirmation was healthy while the one that was
abused had become mouldy and rotten. The conclusion: words have the power to affect
us on a cellular level, so it’s important to choose positive ones. In the interests of balance, I should probably point out here that the scientific community have been fairly critical of Dr Emoto’s research techniques. Still, the finding is an intriguing one.
Improving my self-esteem has been
a real focus for me this year, but what I’m realising lately is that it’s actually
self-compassion which is more beneficial to my confidence levels and life successes
than self-esteem. And just like Dr Emoto I’m fascinated by the power of words – specifically, how the language
I use in speaking to myself (both internally and externally) could play a key role in making
me a better me.
The difference between
self-esteem and self-compassion, explains respected US self-compassion researcher Dr
Kristin Neff, is that the former often involves us comparing ourselves to other people. Which no one does, obviously… except me and, you know, every woman
ever. (And potentially a lot of men too.)
Comparison might briefly boost your
self-esteem if you conclude that you’re better than other people in some way... but when you feel like everyone else is doing life better than you, your
self-esteem is going to suffer – badly. (Guilty as charged.) Self-compassion,
on the other hand, doesn’t hinge on you feeling special or different – all it depends on is you
treating yourself like a human being who deserves love and care.
Here’s
what happens: when you criticise yourself, cortisol (the stress hormone) is
released in your body. The resulting stress lowers your mood and motivation. So basically, criticism is being absorbed by your cells**. Yikes! But if, instead of criticising yourself, you can pick yourself up
in times of darkness and reassure yourself that the failure you’ve suffered doesn’t diminish your
value as a human being, you’ll be better able to get back up and try again,
says Dr Neff.
In other (my own), words, kicking your own arse only works if you do it with kindness.
In other (my own), words, kicking your own arse only works if you do it with kindness.
Perhaps
this could go some way to explaining why so many women struggle to lose weight
in the long term. If you slip up with your exercise and diet plan, then start beating
yourself up and call yourself fat, you’re unlikely to get back on track
with your weight-loss journey the next day.
I
don’t know what you guys take from these findings, but for me, it’s
made being nice to myself a far greater priority. It’s looking very much to me
like being my own best friend is the secret to getting back up again when life kicks me down. This is a friendship worth making time for.
*Here’s a
Chumbawamba throwback, because I know you want it. (Let’s just overlook the fact that the song’s about drinking, ’kay?)
**Did you know we
have more than 50 billion cells in our body? Whoa! I learned this at a recent seminar
by wellness guru Dr Libby Weaver.
