An age-old problem: coming to terms with getting older

If you ever want to feel young, I highly recommend spending time with senior citizens. I’ve volunteered at retirement homes for a couple of years, and it’s really changed the way I think about ageing. This is not why I do it, of course – I think loneliness is a soul-destroying experience, and I want to help alleviate that in others – but an unexpected side-effect has been the way it’s led me to reflect on how much time, joy and wonder I still have before me, despite society telling me the best is behind me.

Because we live in a society that glorifies youth, we’re not very good at accepting the passage of time. And that has a negative effect on the way we feel about ourselves and our lives. An intriguing 2013 study at Trinity University in Texas, US, found that “old talk” can be as damaging as “fat talk” when it comes to women’s body dissatisfaction and self-image, particularly in those aged 46 and older. (Yeah, thanks... we so needed more reasons to feel crap about ourselves...)


When it comes to ageing, we tend to lament what we’ve lost – pert boobs, deep reserves of energy and stellar hangover-recovery powers, for example – instead of celebrating how much we’ve gained. We dread birthdays and complain that we ‘aren’t as fit/fast/energetic’ as we used to be, instead of reflecting on how much wiser, stronger and more confident we are. I wish we could reframe the way we view ageing, starting with language that is more celebratory of age instead of resentful.

Recently I’ve been working on a magazine aimed at teenagers, and in some ways it’s made me feel like a dinosaur. Kids today have a totally different language (did you know: ‘OP’ is shorthand for ‘on point’, and ‘embarro’ is short for ‘embarrassing’?). But equally, it’s made me very appreciative to be at the age and stage I’m at now. No way would I want to be a teenager again, dealing with first periods, peer pressure and figuring out how to talk to boys (actually, I’m not sure that I’ve nailed that one yet). That is one reason ageing is really, really great – you realise that the years that were supposed to be the best years of your life were (at least, for me) the ugliest, and that life has been much easier from there onwards.

Getting older is a privilege, and, as we are oft reminded, it’s one that’s denied to many. Every year we spend on this planet is another opportunity to learn and grow, and to bear witness to incredible beauty. And, yes, to experience pain and heartbreak too, but that is part of the journey, and part of ageing is learning how to make sense of that and to dig our way through it ‘til we get to a stronger place. 

A major factor in our fear of ageing is the idea that we’re running out of time to be all that we want to be. Working with the spiritual realm has taught me that’s not the case. We have enough time to let the truth of who we are unfold and to get closer to the majesty encased within our own hearts. We have enough time.

For me, the best part about getting older is no longer giving a shit. So many of my choices when I was younger revolved around concern for what other people thought of me. In my teen years I used to suppress my laugh because I thought it was too loud and embarro (!). In my 20s I stumbled around in high heels, even though I lack the poise and coordination to walk gracefully in them, because I thought that that was what I was supposed to do. Now I wear ballet flats all the way (yay comfort!). These are only small examples but they illustrate ways that I no longer care about the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘musts’. This, for me, has been the single greatest joy of ageing – learning to follow the beat of my own heart.

I have cellulite and wrinkles that I neither want to show off nor hide. Because at the age of 36 I recognise that those things don’t matter. What matters is that I am fully showing up for my life, committed to giving more and being more, and writing my own script for how I want my life to look. I am more sure of myself and my purpose than I have ever been. I am a kinder, more centred, more resilient person than I was one, three, 10 years ago, and I have every reason to believe I will continue on that trajectory. Because that’s what ageing looks like – a better me. 

I would not go back, not for anything.

I didn't smile for a long time. I regret that

For a long period of time, maybe 15 years, I hated my wonky, misaligned teeth so much I used to put my hand in front of my face whenever I smiled. This became so automatic that when I finally got my teeth straightened at the age of 30, it took months of training to stop hiding my smile; the habit was that ingrained.

Friends, a smile is not a thing to be suppressed. It is the thing you do that makes you shine. It is the thing you do that makes a big impact on other people. It is the thing you do that improves your mood (it’s true – research shows it alters your brain activity in a way that’s consistent with a lift in mood). 

I’m annoyed at myself for hiding such a major part of what makes me sparkle for so long. And for such a painfully petty reason. I remember I even developed a ‘camera smile’ (this was in the days before digital photography, when it was much easier to avoid the camera) that didn’t involve opening my mouth! As you can probably imagine, it did not look even remotely warm nor sincere.

Remember late last year when Kim Kardashian said she avoids smiling because it causes wrinkles? There was an English woman interviewed on TV the other night who stopped smiling as a youngster for the same reason. She’s 50 now, which means she has not smiled for 40 years! I almost feel sorry for her that she’s had such a muted life. Of course, just because she’s not smiling doesn’t mean she’s unhappy – but really, what sort of happiness is that which cannot be fully and naturally expressed, and must be guarded as if it were a dangerous animal that might escape and wreak havoc?

I’m only guessing here, but I imagine that no one has ever got to the end of their life and regretted smiling and laughing so much. And as far as the wrinkle situation goes, I think Audrey Hepburn said it best when she declared that happy girls are the prettiest.