Finding joy in a hopeless place

Here’s a sentence I never thought I would write. Eight months ago I saw something in a public toilet that really inspired me to alter my perspective. I know this sounds weird... bear with me.

It was a stinking hot New York day and being an antipodean girl I needed sand between my toes and a seabreeze licking my face. I took the F train to Coney Island (spoiler alert: not an actual island) and headed to the beach. I’d ducked into a toilet block to change into my bikini when I noticed this was no ordinary public facility. 

On the walls were framed photos of children, a framed print saying FAMILY and a wall clock. On another wall were wall hangings, ornaments and other bric-a-brac items you’d expect to see at your great aunty’s house when you pop around for a cuppa. Outside – which I hadn’t noticed when I’d walked in - were lovingly nurtured pot plants draped in organza and cheery-coloured fabric. Someone – and I think we can assume this was not a council-funded exercise – had taken it upon themselves to decorate this toilet block so it looked like their living room. As a result, it felt warm and welcoming, and a space you want to treat with respect. You felt honoured to be there and wanted to linger. 

I was amazed by how this woman’s dedication had transformed this space. I mean, this is literally a place where people go to dispose of human waste, yet she had made it feel cosy and uplifting. Yes, it was a little odd to see someone’s personal photos in a toilet block. But also, kind of comforting. Perhaps this is what Rihanna was singing about when she found love in a hopeless place (lol).

The reason this inspired me was that it made me realise that if it’s possible to change the energy of a public toilet, it’s possible for me to do the same with the contents of my head. And if I can do that, I can make room for even more love and light in my life.

A lot of spiritual teachers talk about the power of the mind when it comes to changing our lives. This is something I’ve sometimes struggled with, as it often feels like my mind is in control of me, rather than the other way around. It’s all well and good to think positive when life is tickling along nicely, but when everything turns to custard, I find my resolve crumbling. What I’m realising more and more is that acceptance is as important as positivity. What I mean by that is it’s OK to accept a bad day instead of fighting desperately to pretend it’s something more rosy (so long as I don’t take it out on others). But when it comes to the beating-myself-up, nothing-ever-goes-right-for-me, I’m-never-going-to-get-what-I-want thought patterns, I can definitely change the energy of that space.

Finding joy amid the darkness is one of our greatest challenges as humans. But with open hearts and, ideally, open minds, it is always possible.

When it comes to love and kindness, the little things are really the big things

If I asked you to name your most meaningful experiences from the past 12 months, you would, I suspect, start filing through your brain for extraordinary events. You would tell me about the weddings you attended, the holidays you took, the babies you met for the first time and the promotions or professional awards you scored. You would not, I suspect, mention the hug you gave a workmate that she really needed but could not find the words to ask for, the time you got the bus driver wait for someone who was running behind, the money you donated to a charity or the delighted smile you received from your grandma when you popped over for a cup of tea.

We tend to think that the milestones and the firsts are the most meaningful moments in our lives, so we cherish those memories (and for good reason). We tend to disregard the brief moments of connection that don’t change our lives irrevocably, but carry layers of meaning we don’t perceive right away. I believe – and I’ve said this many times – that the little things are really the big things.

There used to be a forwarded email doing the rounds (remember the days when we used to forward emails instead of retweeting or sharing on Facebook?!) by an anonymous woman who described how her boyfriend always waved to strangers when he’s driving, even if they look at him like he’s a weirdo. When she asked him why he did this, he told her that he’d read stories by people who had attempted suicide; some had said that if they’d been acknowledged by someone else they wouldn’t have wanted to end their lives. For that reason, he was committed to extending warmth to everyone he saw, to make sure no one felt invisible or insignificant. This is a very small act of kindness, but a very powerful one.

Of course we should celebrate the big stuff, but I wish we could do a better job at recognising the successes that really reflect our job in this lifetime – the times we give love to others, and received it with gratitude. One of the best things that happened to me last week was an out-of-the-blue phone call from a friend in the US who knew I’d been going through a rough time, so wanted to check how I was going. I doubt that was a big deal for her, but to me it meant the world.

Brené Brown writes: “Joy comes to us in ordinary moments. We risk missing out when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.” Sometimes in those ordinary moments, we’re a conduit to other people’s joy – and we may not even realise it. To me, that is the very definition of extraordinary.

I hope you create and experience lots of little wins this week. 

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Even if it's cold outside, you can make your own sunshine

Yes, it’s very cold. It’s winter; that happens. (Apologies to my northern hemisphere readers – I’ll direct you back to this post in December.) Since it’s harder to fall in love with life when the days are grey and your fingers are blue, I thought I’d share some of the ways I like to warm myself up. Not physically – I’d like to think you have your heating sitch sorted (if not, call your dad; I can’t help you) – but from within. Basing your happiness levels on what’s happening outdoors is a risky play, but bringing pockets of joy into your own world no matter what the temperature is a pretty good foundation. It starts with the little things, and gratitude and joy flow from there. Even if it’s summer where you are, seeking out ways to break up the ‘work/eat/sleep/rinse and repeat’ routine can give you a fresh lease on life.

Here are some of my favourite winter warmers:

·         Cheese and crackers on the floor – just for yourself. I love doing this on a Friday night… putting on a DVD and sitting on the floor with a doona (non-Aussie friends: that’s a quilt). If I had enough clean sheets, I’d be making a fort. (Play is not just for children, you know.)

·         Buying new music. Music has the ability to take you someplace else. You can never have too much of it in your life. Get downloading (legally, obvs).

·         Wearing sexy undies under trackpants. Because, in case no one has told you this lately, you are really hot. Don’t forget that.

·         Rearrange the furniture in your room or your house. Make a wall montage by printing off a bunch of rad pictures from Pinterest, and interspersing them with snaps of your favourite people. If this isn’t a good reminder of what matters in life, I don’t know what is.

·         Drink new herbal teas. Never, ever underestimate the power of tea. I call it a hug in a mug, for good reason.

·         Candles. Burning a fragrant candle can completely change the energy of your house = instant mood lift. Remember to buy only soy or beeswax candles though – paraffin is toxic.

·         Book a holiday, and start planning it. Sometimes having something to look forward to is all it takes to break up a sense of routine.

·         Buy a luxe lifestyle magazine. Then sit and read it, from cover to cover. You guys remember what magazines are, right? I hope so.

·         Start a happiness jar, like Liz Gilbert. She swears by it.

·         Movement – in any form. Dance around your house. Go to a dance class. Go for a run. Getting your body moving will lift your endorphins.

Got any suggestions? Post to my Facebook page or my Instagram post. 

How trying to be happy can make you very unhappy

Here’s something I’ve noticed about the self-help industry: sometimes it’s not that helpful. 

If you look at the colossal amount of space the self-help section occupies in your bookstore – you guys still visit bookstores, right? Please do; bookstores are struggling and they really need our custom – one theme occupies the most shelf space: the pursuit of happiness.

That makes sense – we all wanna be happy. But if you read the back covers, many of these books are promising a magic formula for designing a life where every moment is happy. I don’t want to criticise books on happiness across the board, because I’m sure they have helped people, but my opinion is that this approach is problematic.

What concerns me is the underlying message – that we should expect to be happy all the time. To me, that idea is dangerous, and I’m not the only one who thinks so.

Last week I went to a panel session at the Sydney Writers’ Festival with the compelling title How To Live. The comments which struck a chord with me the most came from Paul Dolan, a London-based, internationally renowned expert on happiness and behaviour.

“The happiness industry is a distortion of the original positive psychology [movement]. It’s feeding this idea we are entitled to feel happy, that that is the default setting for humans. So out of the full spectrum of emotions that make us who we are – and all emotions, even the dark ones, have something to teach us – it’s saying that if we’re not feeling happy all the time there’s something wrong with us.”

YES! It’s natural to want to maximise your happiness levels, but unless you’re Miley Cyrus, life is not a constant party, and you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you are trying to make it so. In fact I’m not sure that’s working out too well for Miley either. As much as we might relish the euphoria of graduating from university or the elation (or perhaps despair, depending on your circumstances!) of finally seeing those two stripes appear on a pregnancy test, happy events aren’t shaping you as a person. It’s the agony of rebuilding your life and healing your fractured heart after the demise of a relationship that teaches you how resilient you are, and that you’re capable of looking after yourself. Darker emotional states instil practical lessons too. It’s the despair of blowing your car’s head gasket in peak traffic that teaches you that if you’re driving a car older than Cyndi Lauper’s back catalogue, you need to top up its oil and water frequently. (This example may or may not be inspired by real-life events.)

Fixating on happiness like it’s some magical destination – the finish line of an emotional marathon littered with disappointing boyfriends, menacing bosses and unflattering haircuts – can also have the effect of lowering your self-esteem. Basically, you’ll wind up feeling like you’re doing life wrong when you’re unable to live in a state of infinite happiness. Ugh. We’ve got enough reasons to feel like we’re failing, thank you very much; experiencing normal human emotions shouldn’t be one of them. 

Instead, I think it’s more helpful to focus on contentment. Because gratitude is a core value for me, I spend time focusing on all the good things in my life. That means that when I get hit by an unexpected curveball and my life starts to feel like a giant pile of poo, I don’t pretend that it’s wonderful. I acknowledge the crapery (that is a word now, I just declared it so) and focus on what comes next, because I know it always gets better in the end, and my life is still, overall, incredible. When you’re broke, lonely and desperately overworked, it’s much easier to return to a baseline state of contentment – because unless your life is completely broken, there is always more right with it than there is wrong. Happiness is a beautiful place to visit, and you should go there often, but you can’t build your home there. 

Paul’s approach is to focus not on the meaning of life but the meaning of moments. As an example, he talked about teaching his child to read: “That has purpose, but doesn’t always have pleasure.”

The take-away message: knowing what’s important to you and what you value can be hugely helpful in achieving life satisfaction – even when things are not going so well. If you can focus on the moments that give you purpose, and celebrate moments of pleasure, you might not need to read a trillion books, or even one book, on happiness. And you’ll be better able to recognise and appreciate it when you stumble upon it.