Forget FOMO, look for JOMO – joy of missing out. (Let me know if you find it)

Do you suffer from FOMO? You might like to know that that’s out of fashion now (sorry). Apparently it's all about JOMO now – in case you are as deeply uncool as I am, that's the Joy Of Missing Out.

The terminology may be new to me, but the concept certainly holds appeal. Unfortunately my long-held pattern of comparing myself to others presents a challenge. 

The joy of missing out essentially means being happy with what you have right now, and not wishing you had someone else's life – someone more glamorous, more popular, more successful. (This isn't, however, the same as staying stagnant and not pushing yourself towards your dreams.) It means being OK with sitting on the couch on a Saturday night devouring corn chips and watching The Big C box set while your friends are posting party pics on Facebook. And being OK with that because you have other things to look forward to. That’s next-level contentment, right there.

It comes back to acceptance. If you're happy with where your life is at – or even if you're not, but you believe it will change – you have no need to compare yourself with others. If you can nail that, missing out really could be a joy.
I like this. I wish I could honestly look at other people's lives and not feel that I am missing out. Back in early January I wrote about my struggle with comparison on social media. Well, I'm still struggling (clearly). Maybe I always will.                

Two months ago I felt so miserable about how my life compared to other people (ie unfavourably) that I

decided the best solution was to unfollow all the people on Instagram who were doing life better than me. People on incredible trips overseas. People loved up, and flaunting it (which they're perfectly entitled to do). People with strong eyebrow game. This seemed like such a good idea!

It was a terrible idea. 

In my defence, I was the far side of a bottle of shiraz at the time. But, still. While many of these people were high profile, some were regular people… my friends. One of my mates called me out on this – and good on her – by asking why I'd cut her off. Ouch. I still have not been able to bring myself to refollow these people – it's just too embarrassing. How do I explain? "Sorry for unfollowing you, I was feeling inadequate and jealous." Yeah, that'll go down well. 

I'm well aware that what we see on social media are very carefully curated snippets of people’s lives that are not indicative of their reality. I know this, and yet, I still find myself comparing my behind the scenes with the beautiful people’s highlights reels, as the saying goes. Also, removing the triggers (ie people whom I might envy at any given moment) from my eyeline is hardly going to help me resolve the root problem: a lack of self-acceptance.

Self-acceptance is something that comes up for me time after time in my reiki sessions, so I know that this, or a lack thereof, is playing a big part in holding me back. No matter how many times I tell myself that I AM good enough, I struggle to completely believe it. As yet, I have not found a way to shift this block in my thinking.

I know it is up to me, and that I’m not powerless, but right now I’m struggling to figure out how to move forward on this.

JOMO? I’ll aim for JO-maybe.

Facing up to the reality of Facebook (LIKE!)

I tried to stay off social media for a week; I lasted three days. In the end what tipped me over the edge was not boredom, FOMO or loneliness but sheer inconvenience – I needed to contact someone and found I had no means of contact without Facebook Messenger. Once I’d logged in to do that, the whole experiment seemed redundant.

If I wanted to demonise Facebook, I wouldn’t have to look far for fodder. It’s distracting! It makes you feel crap about yourself! It turns some people into narcissists! None of these things is untrue, of course, but there’s a common denominator… the internet, obviously, but more significantly – the user. 

That’s partly why I wanted to take a break from social media, which I figured would be a great tool for measuring my own dependency – something I’d become concerned about on a recent weekend away from reliable internet access, when I felt a mild form of social-media separation anxiety (more about that experience in this post).

But my feeling at the end of my abandoned experiment is not disappointment over some failing of willpower on my part but a peaceful acceptance of the fact that this insidious time-vampire is now so entrenched it’s simply not practical to be without it. I now know that I AM dependent on Facebook, but not in an unhealthy way. Facebook doesn’t make me feel unfit, lonely or inadequate, it allows me to feel more tuned into my relationships – a pretty essential part of the human experience. Facebook isn’t doing anything more than my mobile phone and email were doing for me 10 years ago (ie keeping me connected with those I care about). Yes, of course it would be better if I went to see those people face to face, but in so many instances, that just isn’t practical. For all the moments in between, we have Facebook.

I read a few medical journals (this is partly due to my job as a health writer, but also because I'm a geek) and it feels like there’s no shortage of science-based reports painting Facebook in a negative light. Like the University of Michigan research revealing this site can reduce users’ sense of wellbeing and life satisfaction. The Canadian study which concluded Facebook can increase feelings of jealousy within romantic relationships. Or the University of Missouri-Columbia study which found that people who use Facebook for “surveillance” are more prone to depression (they don’t call it Stalkbook for nothing!). 

But none of that matters to me. As long as I keep my Facebook use in check – no logging in when I’m bored (pick up a book!), no logging in when I’m having convos with real-life people, no logging in when I’m at work or completing another task – I feel like I’m doing it right.

NOTE: Yes I am aware of the irony of writing about Facebook on a post which I will go ahead and promote on my Facebook page. Thanks for pointing that out. I’m fine with it. 

Dubious Valentine's Day card.